OFFICE IGNISIA

The contents of books as yet unwritten can be deduced from books now in existence  - Lords And Ladies, The General Theory of Library Space (L-Space)

If the Creator had said, 'Let there be light' in Ankh-Morpork, he'd have got no further because of all the people saying 'What colour?' - Men At Arms

This is because if people went around noticing everything that was going on all the time, no-one would ever get anything done - Men At Arms

The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money. Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles. But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that’d still be keeping his feet dry in ten years’ time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet. This was the Captain Samuel Vimes Boots’ theory of socioeconomic unfairness - Men At Arms

Humans, left to themselves, adopt a longer diurnal rhythm than the 24- hour day, so they can be reset like a lot of little clocks at sunset. Humans have to put up with Time, but days are a sort of personal option - Soul Music

He was seventy-nine, but Time in Death's house was a reusable resource - Soul Music

There was always a logical explanation for everything, even if you had to make it up - Soul Music

According to the philosopher Ly Tin Wheedle, chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order, because it is better organised - Interesting Times

Wizards had always known that the art of observation changes the thing that was observed, and sometimes forgot that it also changes the observer too - Interesting Times

If people wanted to go around teaching people lessons, other people should remember that those people know a thing or two about people - Maskerade

One of the rules of a certain type of gothic architecture is that it only happens to the front - Maskerade 

There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell - Feet Of Clay

If some god somewhere had said 'Let there be light', they'd be the ones to say things like 'Why? The darkness has always been good enough for us' - Last Continent

War does not determine who is right - only who is left

When you do crazy things, expect crazy results

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives

No I didn't trip, the floor looked like it needed a hug

Better late than never, but never late is better

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists

All men are equal before fish

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong 

with me

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving

The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the noob on the other side die for his

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

Why do people say 'no offense' right before they're about to offend you?

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose eight

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public

At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet

Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears

You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun

In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away

The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips

Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway